Come With Us, Fang!
by MaximumFANGirlz
Summary: I was laying there, enjoying a nice sleep when..."Heeeey! Fang!" Some Fax and Niggy. R & R. Written by Nudge.


**Come With Us, Fang!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own the dialogue or Maximum Ride. Also, I got the idea from "Riku's Journey to Candy Mountain", a cosplay skit where they changed the dialogue...so...yeah. **

**A/N: Yes, everybody is OOC, especially Iggy. (Must have been hanging out with Nudge too much). Also, Niggy alert...and implied Fax...hey, love the pairings, gotta imply them a little.**

I was laying there, enjoying a nice sleep when...

"Heeeey! Fang!"

Crap. Nudge. I didn't move, just lay there and hoped she'd leave me alone.

"Hey Fang, wake uuuuppp!"

That girl can really drag out the syllables. I still pretended to being asleep. Maybe she'd lose interest and go bother Max or something.

"Yeah, Fang!" What the _h_? Iggy? How had she gotten him to go along with her evil schemes? Aww, who cared. She could probably convince him of anything...almost as bad as Angel. I lay resolutely. "You silly sleepyhead, wake up!"

Now I _knew_ something was up. Since when did Iggy call people "silly sleepyheads"? Fine, all right. I opened my eyes. "Uhhhh," I grunted. "Oh God, you guys. This had _better_ be pretty freakin' important." I was right in the middle of a dream about Ma-um, I mean, McDonald's. Yeah. "Has Angel been kidnapped again?"

"No, Fang!" Nudge said happily. "We found a map! To Candy Mountain!" What the heck was Candy Mountain, why did I care, and why did we need the map? "Candy Mountain, Fang!"

"Yeah, Fang!" Iggy chimed in, sounding uncharacteristically joyful. "We're going to Candy Mountain!" What? Were they dating now or something? Well, whatever. They really didn't have to wake me up from my, um, McDonald's dream to tell me that..."Come with us, Fang!" Oh. Okay, maybe it wasn't a date. Unless they wanted me to bring someone...

I didn't move. "Yeah, Fang!" Nudge agreed. "It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure, Fang!" I've had enough of adventure, thank you, I thought wryly. What with helping Max save the world and stuff. 

I closed my eyes again. "Yeah, Candy Mountain, right," I mumbled. "I'm just gonna, you know, go back to sleep now." And back to my, um, McDonald's dream.

"NOOOOO!" shouted Nudge, hitting me. I pretended not to notice. "Fang!" She hit me again. "You have to come with us, to Candy Mountain!"

She must have blackmailed Iggy, because he soon added, "Yeah, Fang! Candy Mountain! It's a land of sweets, and joy...and...and...joyness!" He sounded enthusiastic. Weird. Was everybody suddenly on crack or something? Even Nudge wasn't usually _this_ bad.

She hit me again. "Please stop hitting me." She didn't listen.

"Candy Mountain, Fang!" she sang out.

"Yeah, Fang, Candy Mountain!" agreed Iggy cheerfully. What was wrong with the world today? I glared at him, but of course it didn't do any good. Stupid whitecoats and their stupid experiments.

"All right, fine, I'll go with you to Candy Mountain," I snapped. Anything to shut them up. I wonder if Max was coming...

xXxXx

She wasn't. So now I was stuck with two obvious mental cases as we flew to this "Candy Mountain" place. They were singing. Yes, singing. And it wasn't even words, just, "Lalalala, Lala, Lalalala!". Finally, I couldn't take it any more. "ENOUGH WITH THE SINGING ALREADY!"

Amazingly, they stopped. "Our first stop is over there!" reported Nudge. She pointed to this giant...thing. It looked like...a giant statue of Total. 

"Oh God. What _is_ that?" I groaned. 

"It's a leoplurodon, Fang!" explained Nudge hyperly. She grinned at Iggy, who added, "A magical leoplurodon!"

I had no freaking idea what a leoplurodon was, but whatever it was I doubted it actually looked like a giant stone dog. I shrugged and looked up at the immense thing. It _was_ kinda cool, I guess. The only problem was, if Candy Mountain really was a giant mount of candy goodness, I wasn't sure how to break it to my crazy flock friends that it couldn't exist.

"It's gonna guide our way to Candy Mountain!"

I sighed. "Uh, guys, you do know that there is no actual Candy Mountain, right?"

I don't know what reaction I was expecting, but...

"SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER!" shrieked Nudge, sounding like she was about to have a breakdown. 

"Shhhuuunnnn..." Iggy agreed creepily. Be nice if they would. Shun me I mean. Being left alone would be _really_ nice right about now.

Determined to outdo him, the twelve-year old echoed, "Ssssssssshhhhuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnuuuuuuhhhhh..."

Okay, somebody had problems, and it wasn't me. "Yeah..."

A stick snapped. Nudge gasped. 

"It has spoken!" she declared happily. 

"It has told us the waaayyy!" a certain pyro replied.

What was wrong with them? "It didn't say anything!"

Please let this trip be _over_ soon. Why did they have to drag _me_ along, anyway? Why not Max? Why not the Gasman or Angel? _Why was it always me?_ I rolled my eyes as they started singing again. When would this torture end?

xXxXx

"It's just over this bridge, Fang!" Yeeeesss! So this stupid trip was almost over! I almost jumped for joy.

"This magical bridge, of hope and wonder!" What had Iggy eaten for breakfast and how much sugar and/or drugs did it have in it? It's just a freaking bridge! I took a few more steps and winced as a splinter pierced the end of my wing...which for a reason I couldn't remember was loose and not inside my sweatshirt. 

"Is anyone else getting covered in splinters?" I demanded as another one drove itself into my hand as I took hold of the railing...wow this bridge was rickety. "Seriously, guys, we shouldn't be on this thing." Sure, we could fly, but I didn't want to fly because we were falling to our deaths. What if something happened and we couldn't open our wings?

"Faaannng," Nudge said annoyingly. I ignored her. "Faaaannngggg...Ffffaaaaannnnnngggg...Faaaaaannnnng..."

"I'm right here, what do you want?" I snapped angrily. What fresh horror was she going to unlease?

"We're on a bridge, Fang!"

Facepalm.

xXxXx

"We're here!" sang out Iggy. 

I surveyed the huge heap of candy, which somehow had a doorway carved in it. A sign hung from the top, declaring it "Candy Mountain". Thoughtfully, I replied, "Hey, whaddaya know, there actually _is_ a Candy Mountain." Weird. Oh well, yeah, we saw it, let's go home. The end.

"Candy Mountain, Candy Mountain," chanted Nudge. "Fill me with sweet sugary goodness!" Holy crap, what was _wrong_ with this girl? I felt a headache coming on. She skipped over to the Mountain and _licked it_. I watched, slightly disgusted, as she basically started making out with the mound of candy. "Mmmmm," she murmured, her mouth full of chocolate.

"Go inside the Candy Mountain cave, Fang." Iggy suggested, winking at Nudge. Maybe there was more to my date theory than I'd thought. They seemed to want me out of the way - which I was fine with. Except that would mean _going back to the others_, not going inside some random cave. I mean, I'm kinda claustrophobic anyway...

"Yeah, Fang!" agreed Nudge. "Go inside the cave! Magical wonders are to behold when you enter." Well, those magical wonders could go to heck for all I cared.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah, um, thanks...but no thanks. I think I'll stay out here."

They disagreed. "But you _have_ to enter the Candy Mountain Candy Cave, Fang!"

I heard a growl from inside the cave. It sounded like...an Eraser. What the heck? I thought they were all dead!

Ari jumped out of the cave in all of his Eraser-y glory. I immediately started scanning to make sure I could escape. Good, there were no trees in the way. I was about to murmur, "Up and away," to Iggy and Nudge when music started playing. Four more Erasers popped up and began moving to the beat.

The Eraser cleared his throat and started dancing. "Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up, then just head right on up to the Candy Mountain cave," he sang, his voice about four octaves higher than it should have been. He was definitely in either the alto or soprano range. 

"When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheery land, such a happy and joy-filled and perky merry land." Yeah, so totally not convincing me, I thought. This was really almost as bad as him attacking me...I mean, at least the last time he kicked my butt Max kissed me...okay, bad thoughts, Fang. Quit it. Ari was still singing.

"They've got lollipops and gummi drops and candy things, oh so many things that will brighten up your day. It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town, it's the mecca of love, the Candy Cave." _This guy has some major issues_, I decided. Besides, he was supposed to be dead! 

"They've got jelly beans and coconuts with little hats, candy rats, chocolate bats, it's a wonderland of sweets. Ride the candy train to town and hear the candy band, candy bells, it's a treat, as they march across the land," crooned Ari as his Eraser backups "sha-la-la"-ed in the background. "Cherry ribbons stream across the sky into the ground, turn around, it astounds, it's a dancing candy tree. In the Candy Cave imagination runs so free, so now Fang will you please go into the cave?" An explosion sounded and the Erasers disappeared.

"Nope," I said resolutely, "not gonna happen."

Nudge pouted. "Well, okay then..." Without warning she turned around and kissed Iggy on the lips, who started kissing her back passionately. I made a face at the random make-out fest and backed away. 

"Um, yeah, I'll be in the Candy Cave if you need me!"

They broke apart for an instant to say, "Yaaaahhh! Goodbye, Fang!"

xXxXx

It was dark and damp inside the cave. I heard scuffling; more Erasers? The doors slammed shut behind me. "Hey!" I shouted. "What's going on here?" I heard more scuffles and then everything went black...

I woke up. I was in a tree, but I didn't see any of the others. I felt woozy and in slight pain. "Oh, God," I groaned. "What happened?" I looked down.

"Aw, they took my freakin kidney!"

xXxXx

I woke up in a cold sweat. I was in a bed. How'd I get there? My kidney! Oh, God, my kidney! Those stupid whitecoats! I lay there and tried to figure out what had happened...and then I heard the scariest noise known to man...well, to me, anyway.

"Hey, Fang!"

I covered my ears. "I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU TO FREAKING CANDY MOUNTAIN! GO AWAY!"

"Um, okay then," Max said, annoyed. "I guess that means you don't want to go flying with me." She walked off.

I was left with a confused expression on my face, and then I realized what had happened and I started hitting my head on the edge of my bed.


End file.
